42 calories, maybe just over. Lately I've felt really sad. The general idea that this is going to be my life is a little upsetting. I'd like to be able to go out with friends and buy food and eat with them, but I just can't...

I'm fasting for 7 days starting now. Food is ruining my life, and I'm going to concentrate on other aspects of my life than the constant
- struggles through meal
- manages 300 cals
- feels guilty
- vomits food
- worries about health all night
I know starving myself is ridiculous, and that I should probably seek help, but I can't admit to everyone how shit I am. I just want to feel okay, and in order to get there, I need to be low for a while. I can't handle eating. I really can't

I ate 355 calories. I made spaghetti (55 calorie total) and had 3 chocolate yogurts (100 calories each) I feel disgusting, and I'm trying not to vomit. I'm drinking a HUGE glass of green tea to keep me calm. My hands have been extremely shakey recently. I'm a bit scared. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my childhood and stuff recently. A part of me wants to work towards recovery, but then, the other half of me, feels like I'm too fat to actually have this problem. I'm so tired, I really need to sleep.

I ate 168 calories. I want to kill myself

Exams

It's exam week, and even thought I know I should eat before an exam, I'm probably not going to.
On Friday I didn't eat. Then on Saturday, mum bought a huge fucking bag of maltesers, and I fucking ate them, with her sitting next to me. It was humiliating. I had a shower and vomited it all back up. I'm such a disgusting pig. and then Today, Sunday, I haven't eaten again, I was out all day so I had an iced tea (136 cals) because I was having trouble focusing my eyes, also I got a ticket to an anime convention, which I'm really excited about, but my best friend is pissed at me for going without her, which is so stupid and childish. I'm not gonna waste all that money because she can't go, that's fucking ridiculous. I'm really excited about it, to the point I don't even care if everyone whos meant to go with me bails out, I'm still going.

don't eat, you fat fucking piece of shit. Your fucking Pathetic.

I haven't been blogging much, which is probably why things aren't going well. I tried to stop myself from restricting, and starving, and purging,  and it was okay for a week or two, I'd only eat one meal in the evening, and then I'd vomit down the shower drain. Yesterday I didn't eat, and I felt so much better, and I'm probably going to stop eating for the rest of the week. Mum made pie for tea though, if I said no, she'd be suspicious, so I ate half then went and purged. If you can imagine what diet Lemonade, Stomach Acid and Beef pie taste like, thats it all molded together. Disgusting right. I'll probably eat a meal every 2nd day, and Purge it, and just, go less and less, keep myself happy. Life is too short to worry about all these problems, I'm just going to do what makes me feel good, and leave it at that.

purge.

Some updates I suppose.
We broke up, I texted her and said we need to talk, she took it from there and ended it. My being-a-bitch skills are awesome. Although, I'm pretty sure she still likes me, so that means she did it for me, which makes me feel bad, and like I've kinda been seen through.

Sara is depressed. Her first ever boyfriend broke her heart a while ago, he was cruel, but she keeps talking about feeling fat, and wanting to starve herself, and complain, complain, complain. Then (I think I fake named her Madison?) is complaining about not being able to see her boyfriend. I don't want to sound like a bitch, I'm just sick of feeling like shit, about actual problems, and no one cares.

I put in a Job application on Friday, so I'll hopefully hear from them soon, and then I can drop out of school. Sounds much better.

did you think I was dead?
lolno.

I'm questioning my sexuality again. I'm somewhere between gay and bi I think, more into women, but still attracted to men. I think I'm muddling myself up over nothing, I'd quite like all names to everything to disappear, I just want to fuck who I like, and date who I like. Things shouldn't be this difficult, I'm getting myself muddled, and I'm going to end up crying myself to sleep.

In order for me to be a florist I can
a) complete year 11 by: doing 1 semester of math 2 of English, and a heap of subjects that have nothing to do with my future career, as well as 1&1/2 hours of homework a night, and the research project, which is just completely useless. followed by year 12, containing 2 semesters of English, and more useless subjects, the uni or TAFE courses in florestry.
b) drop out of school, get part time work, do TAFE course in florestry.

now I'm off to not do a chemistry assignment.

I managed to eat just over 500 calories (524 to be exact) and I don't feel guilty. I feel full. It's a strange feeling, as I'm usually restricted to much less, I'm a bit worried about the scales tomorrow, because if I've gained, my brain will go mental, and I don't think I can deal with everything at the moment.

I feel like shit a lot of the time, and it's all this girlfriend crap. She's staying off Facebook, and not calling me, or texting me. She's worried about me breaking up with her, thats all she's ever worried about. I'm not putting effort into the relationship, but it's because of things like this. I mean, theres obviously something not right with me, but she really just doesn't care.

I have to eat a meal with mum and dad tonight. Spaghetti. I'll eat 1/3 of a normal portion, that should keep everything at rest.

I can't eat until Saturday.

I feel like crying for no reason at all. I want to break up her, but everyone always gets pissed at me without even bothering to think about whats going on with me, why I did, my feelings. I understand She's important to them, but I'd really rather everyone leave me the fuck alone all together, if they only like me as her girlfriend.

I ate chocolate, then got in the shower, and vomited it all up.
I went to school this morning and was sitting around with the Addams (they're the girls I sit with including my girlfriend) and I felt worn out and like vomiting, I knew I couldn't as there wasn't anything to vomit but the bell was about to go, so I just kinda took off. I left my girlfriend, (um, lets call her Kate,) there without a hello or goodbye, a lack of proper conversation I just gave her the book she lent me back and her jumper now she has my iPod. I went home and went shopping with mum followed by sleeping for 3 hours, mum booked a doctors appointment for me. I've been ill lately, so I used it as an excuse and told her I don't need to see a doctor, she thinks I have fatigue. I need to get some diet coke, or make a huge bottle of green tea, for through out the day so I can keep my energy up.

I confided in Madison last night (an Addams) I told her basically that I hate school, I want to get a job, and go to TAFE, but the bigger deal is that I told her about previous habits I've had such as drinking and pot. I also told her that I hate myself and feel ugly. She said that Kate doesn't think so (them two are bestest buds) and I told her I don't care what Kate thinks, I feel ugly.
Happy International star wars day, May the fourth be with you.

I'm on a support site.
I love this site, the members are amazing. But tonight, I keep finding post with peoples monthly diets, and the amounts of calories they plan to take in everyday, I look at it and I just go "I could never do this, I feel disgusting if I eat over 200 calories." Then I feel completely sick and twisted for thinking this. What type of diet is that?

Another thing I dislike about this, is that, their sharing their diets with others, so they can do it as a group, it's getting toward pro-ana, and thats a tiny bit disturbing. I don't think I even need to explain why I feel pro-ana is disturbing.

It's late, so I may go to bed now as I'm going to school tomorrow. I have a double free so I'm going to finish reading double exposure, which is perhaps the most boring book known to mankind.

3rd

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I'm being quite rude to my girlfriend at the moment, and I feel a little bit guilty. I don't love her. I enjoy her company as a friend. It's a horrible situation, for her at least. I'm kinda waiting for things to explode, so that this time, when she acts like a drama queen, and hurt, and like she's going to kill herself, I can say she's over reacting, and not care, as the relationship exploded and I'm not at fault.

I worked off everything I ate today, but I'm not as proud as yesterday. I lack control, and I hate myself for it. I'm not eating for the rest of the week, and I'm going to school so mother doesn't notice. I'm amazed she hasn't noticed my lack of daily intakes already.

BINGE

I'm eating today. I've discovered a nestle chocolate yogurt, thats 69 calories, I'm having a craving for salt and vinegar chips, and I think I'm going to end up purging if I actually eat them.

My ED isn't "ana" or "mia" I binge, I purge, I starve myself for 2 days, then eat a salad, or yogurt, or some other low cal type thing. I exercise until I feel like I'm about to puke. I don't have a demonic voice of some crazy woman telling me not to eat, It's my voice. I'm probably horribly confusing, I'm sorry.

`;schoool..

I want to drop out of school.
I plan to get a job, and pay to do a TAFE course in florestry, I think I may see out the school year first though. It's a big decision, but I'm just sick of school, and having to put up with everyone else's expectations. I need to do a course either way to make up SACE points, or I will have to do year 11 yet again.
I think I might stay home tomorrow, but then again, I should maybe go in and ask my home group teacher to be a referee.


Today, with the little amount I ate, and the amount of exercise I did, I'm on negative calories. I'm really happy at the moment.

introductory statement.

Hello.
Being the first post, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Audrey, I am sixteen, Gay, and I have an eating disorder (EDNOS) anxiety and unipolar disorder. I'd like to say right now, I am completely against pro-ana and don't want you to get confused as to almost everything else that will be seen on this blog.

I will say right now, that this place is somewhat like a journal, everything on here is true, except my name, some things I write about might be triggering, a lot of the things I write about, may sound completely sick, and twisted to someone who isn't familiar with someone with an eating disorder.
I also created this place to keep track between what I eat, how many calories it is, the amount of exercise I did to work it off, and other such details.

Yes, I'm a horrible, twisted, ugly creep.

Moving along:
I have a girlfriend that I do not love, or have any feelings of attraction toward. I'm a year 11 student in South Australia, and I absolutely hate it. I love tea, and flowers, and candles, and David Bowie, and girls, and my laptop, and a warm bed, and baths, and the feeling of pure empty hunger. I love catching trains, dressing up pretty, second hand shops, and big round rimmed sun glasses. I love horror movies, and kids movies. I love Labyrinth, and Star Wars. I love Anime.
That shall be all for now children.