42 calories, maybe just over. Lately I've felt really sad. The general idea that this is going to be my life is a little upsetting. I'd like to be able to go out with friends and buy food and eat with them, but I just can't...

I'm fasting for 7 days starting now. Food is ruining my life, and I'm going to concentrate on other aspects of my life than the constant
- struggles through meal
- manages 300 cals
- feels guilty
- vomits food
- worries about health all night
I know starving myself is ridiculous, and that I should probably seek help, but I can't admit to everyone how shit I am. I just want to feel okay, and in order to get there, I need to be low for a while. I can't handle eating. I really can't

I ate 355 calories. I made spaghetti (55 calorie total) and had 3 chocolate yogurts (100 calories each) I feel disgusting, and I'm trying not to vomit. I'm drinking a HUGE glass of green tea to keep me calm. My hands have been extremely shakey recently. I'm a bit scared. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my childhood and stuff recently. A part of me wants to work towards recovery, but then, the other half of me, feels like I'm too fat to actually have this problem. I'm so tired, I really need to sleep.

I ate 168 calories. I want to kill myself

Exams

It's exam week, and even thought I know I should eat before an exam, I'm probably not going to.
On Friday I didn't eat. Then on Saturday, mum bought a huge fucking bag of maltesers, and I fucking ate them, with her sitting next to me. It was humiliating. I had a shower and vomited it all back up. I'm such a disgusting pig. and then Today, Sunday, I haven't eaten again, I was out all day so I had an iced tea (136 cals) because I was having trouble focusing my eyes, also I got a ticket to an anime convention, which I'm really excited about, but my best friend is pissed at me for going without her, which is so stupid and childish. I'm not gonna waste all that money because she can't go, that's fucking ridiculous. I'm really excited about it, to the point I don't even care if everyone whos meant to go with me bails out, I'm still going.

don't eat, you fat fucking piece of shit. Your fucking Pathetic.

I haven't been blogging much, which is probably why things aren't going well. I tried to stop myself from restricting, and starving, and purging,  and it was okay for a week or two, I'd only eat one meal in the evening, and then I'd vomit down the shower drain. Yesterday I didn't eat, and I felt so much better, and I'm probably going to stop eating for the rest of the week. Mum made pie for tea though, if I said no, she'd be suspicious, so I ate half then went and purged. If you can imagine what diet Lemonade, Stomach Acid and Beef pie taste like, thats it all molded together. Disgusting right. I'll probably eat a meal every 2nd day, and Purge it, and just, go less and less, keep myself happy. Life is too short to worry about all these problems, I'm just going to do what makes me feel good, and leave it at that.